黄西 Joe Wong on Letterman 03/30/2012 with English subtitle

Script:

Hi everybody. 

I see a lot of really cocky bumper stickers, you know, like "My son is an
honored student" or "This car climbed Mountain Washington". 
I surely want to see some humble ones, like "My son just moved back in with
us" or "I am on Facebook, I have two friends". 

So when I drive in certain states in this country, I have to have my papers
ready, because I am an immigrant.
Then I learned that the term "immigrant" has a negative connotation. I think
that's probably why on those immigration papers, the United States
government decided to call us "Aliens". 
Sound so much nicer you know: "Hey, we are not here to take your jobs, we
are just here to abduct you." 

I heard this from my car radio a program called "This I believe", where
people talk about what they really believe in, and I prepared some material
for that show. And I just want to share it with you guys tonight.

So "This I believe" by Joe Wong.

I believe that if you give a man a fish, he will be totally weirded out. 

And I believe that school closing is, for parents, kind of like the
Guantanamo Bay situation. 
In the beginning we are like "Yeah it is closed!" "Oh, no! They are coming
here!" 

And I believe that "Dominos" is a terrible name for a chain restaurant.

And I believe that the most important thing that Chinese invented is paper,
because before that we only had rock and scissors. 

And I believed that laughter is the best medicine, but it's the worst
prescription. "Looks like you have pneumonia. Ha ha ha!"

And I believe that if I were to die in a car accident, I want it to be a
collision with a cement truck.  That way immediately after I die, there is a
statue of me. 

And I believe that when the lord comes back, he would be driving a car with
a bumper sticker that says "What would I do?" 
And he should have his papers ready, because his name is Jesus (pronounced
in Latin not in English because Jesus was not born in USA). 

And I believe that God is a woman, because she never forgets anything that
you've ever done. And she'd punish us with vengeance, only because she loves
you.

Thank you so much!